Breaking: Laura Loomer Loses Bill Maher Lawsuit After Her Dad Said She Always "Bragged" About Giving Trump Blow Jobs

A federal judge, a deposition for the ages, an honest father and a roast beef cameo nobody saw coming.

Laura Loomer Sued Bill Maher for $150 Million and Somehow Lost Harder Than Anyone Has Ever Lost Anything

There are bad days in court, and then there is whatever happened to Laura Loomer this week.

For those catching up: in September 2024, Bill Maher did a bit on Real Time riffing on the extremely public fact that Loomer had just spent the better part of a week on Donald Trump’s private jet — to the debate, to a 9/11 memorial, the works. “Who’s Trump f***ing?” Maher asked, rhetorically. “He’s been a dog for too long, and it’s not Melania. I think we may have our answer this week. I think it might be Laura Loomer.”

Loomer sued. For one hundred and fifty million dollars.

This week, a federal judge in Florida — a Bill Clinton appointee, which is already a cinematic touch — granted summary judgment to Maher and HBO before the case could even reach a jury. Not “you might lose.” Not “this is shaky.” Summary judgment, which in lawyer-speak means “there is no universe where you win this, please stop.”

Let’s savour this properly.

The $150 Million Problem

To win a defamation case as a public figure, you have to prove (1) the statement was false, (2) the person knew or strongly suspected it was false when they said it, and (3) you suffered real, measurable harm.

Loomer went 0 for 3. Impressively 0 for 3.

On the “harm” prong — the whole theory of the case, the reason for the nine-figure demand — she was asked in her deposition whether Maher’s joke had cost her anything. And then, apparently forgetting she was under oath and not on a podcast, she testified that her income went up in 2024. More money. After the joke. Which she says destroyed her.

She also confirmed she still talks to Trump regularly, still gets invited to places, and still gets his ear. The judge noted this in writing, the way a teacher circles a wrong answer in red pen.

Then there was the small matter of naming literally one person who had thought less of her because of the joke. Any person. A friend. An acquaintance. A guy at the deli. She could not produce one. Not a name, not an affidavit, not a screenshot. The reputation she claimed Maher had shattered appeared, on inspection, to be entirely intact and, if anything, slightly more lucrative.

Then, of course, the bombshell: He Dad said he might put her back into involuntary psych hold because the blow job stuff is probably true.

“A Reasonable Viewer”

The judge’s actual legal reasoning is almost polite about how unserious the case was. He wrote — and this is paraphrasing, because I want to keep my own job — that a reasonable person watching a late-night comedy show hosted by a comedian, in a segment punctuated by audience laughter, would understand that the comedian was telling a joke.

Somewhere, a law student is highlighting this passage and thinking, “Wait, you can just say that?”

Maher, for his part, gave a deposition that reads like he was personally delighted to be there. He pointed out that the week of the joke, Loomer and Trump had been blowing kisses at each other in public and trading “I love you’s on camera. “I could have just shown the video and said, ‘Hey, get a room,’” Maher testified. “It’s just — this is just comedy. These are jokes.”

When your opponent’s sworn testimony is basically stand-up, you are losing.

The Arby’s Thing

I have been sitting on this one because I wanted you to be seated.

At some point during her deposition — a legal proceeding, recorded, under penalty of perjury, in a lawsuit she brought — Laura Loomer, apparently of her own volition, alleged that Marjorie Taylor Greene puts Arby’s roast beef “in her pants”.

I want to be extremely clear: this is from her own deposition testimony, as reported in the coverage of the ruling. Nobody asked her about Marjorie Taylor Greene. Nobody asked her about Arby’s (I’m dying laughing as I write this, btw). She was there to prove that Bill Maher had destroyed her reputation for truthfulness and sober public commentary, and she volunteered, on the record, a theory about a sitting member of Congress and a heaping fast-food roast beef sandwich and its visual cousin in her pants.

The case was about whether Laura Loomer is a serious person who was gravely wronged by a joke. The deposition was about Marjorie Taylor Greene’s “Arby’s beef pants”. I don’t know how you lose harder than that. I genuinely don’t.

The Appeal

Loomer, obviously, is appealing. Her statement called the ruling “factually and legally wrong,” “totally dishonest and misogynistic,” and “an attack on women and the truth” — a phrase that is working truly heroic overtime, given that the ruling was made on the record she herself built, in a case she herself filed, based on testimony she herself gave.

She also noted in the same statement that Trump is still inviting her to the White House. Which, again, is the thing she was trying to prove he wasn’t doing anymore because of the joke.

What We Learned

1. If you sue a comedian for telling a joke on a comedy show in front of a laughing studio audience, you are going to have a hard time convincing a judge it wasn’t a joke.

2. If you claim a joke cost you money, do not testify that you made more money and don’t tell your dad about all the blow jobs.

3. If you are arguing that you are a serious person whose reputation for seriousness has been damaged, perhaps save the Arby’s pants allegation for a different day.

4. “Might be” is doing a lot of load-bearing work in American comedy jurisprudence, and the Founders, somewhere, are nodding.

Bill Maher, who will never have to pay Laura Loomer $150 million, continues to host Real Time on HBO. Laura Loomer continues, per her own sworn testimony, to make more money than last year, fly on the President’s plane, and get into the White House.

Truly, a life in ruins.

Jeff Loomer needs to get that psych hold ASAP. Or he needs to change his last name and move to Costa Rica. And it sounds like Marj may need corrective surgery.

This way, everyone wins.