1. The Market Said “Nope”
Remember how tariffs crash economies? Yeah. Wall Street remembers.
After Trump dropped his usual word salad about “bringing manufacturing home,” traders immediately pulled a fire alarm. The markets TANKED yesterday.
Trump’s handlers tried to spin it as “patriotic disruption.” It was a Patriotic fucking disaster with the Down losing 1679 pts, the S&P lost 274 pts and the NASDAQ got fisted for 1050 pts or 6 % total.
And today might be worse after China, Canada, the EU, and the UK announce their countermeasures.
The biggest losers? Nike, Apple, Converse, and Restoration Hardware (41% drop in their market cap)
2. Fake Props/Uninhabited Islands
You can’t make this up: Trump’s “evidence” of America’s manufacturing comeback was a couple of posters with fake numbers about tariffs that weren’t just entirely made up, they were pure fantasy.
Trump’s “Posters” had a column of fake tariffs that justified his proposed tariffs on other countries. They were totally fake, and after a few quips about China and South Africa, they asked for them to be removed. Then, they went on an unhinged rant about an old-fashioned word: “Groceries.”
3. Chlorinated Chicken, Anyone?
As if NAFTA wasn’t already a burning tire fire, Trump floated the idea of dropping tariffs against the UK if the UK…wait for it…bought Chlorinated, Steroid-filled, Chicken.
Because nothing screams “Great Again” like turning your dinner into a low-rent chemical bath.
The UK and most of the EU have very strict food safety regs (it’s why their all healthier than diseased and obese Americans), and Trump’s concerned for American producers of genetically and chemically engineered chicken.
Total normal stuff. Just ask Commerce Secretary Howard Nutlick
4. Canada’s Crushing Response
In a bold economic play, Canadian PM-in-waiting Mark Carney announced a 25% tariff on all U.S.-made vehicles that fail to meet CUSMA (Canada-U.S.-Mexico Agreement) standards, sending a clear message to Trump and the GOP: Canada won’t bankroll American trade bullshit and our old relationship with the United States is over. He reiterated that MANY times in his 46-minute speech.
Carney didn’t mince words - He announced the death of global American influence and said “If America refuses to lead, Canada will,” and the dude meant it. Carney’s indictment of Trump’s America came with a caveat: Canada is going to step up and fill that void.
5. Trump’s Own Companies Are Screwed
In a shocking twist, guess who’s most vulnerable to these tariffs?
That’s right. Trump’s own garbage-tier branded merch (which is all made in China) would now be tariffed under his plan.
We’re talking MAGA hats, Ivanka’s perfume, and those weird gold-plated coins people pretend are currency.
Turns out when you build your empire on lies and Alibaba, karma hits like a U.S. Customs invoice.
“Tariffs so dumb, even Trump Org might finally pay taxes.”
Catch the Full Breakdown on Today’s FiveStack
Dean and Zev take the gloves off and get into the real story behind this economic dumpster fire — and why it’s all just a distraction from courtrooms, collapsing polls, and the smell of old KFC at Bedminster.
Subscribe on Substack - DeanBlundell.Substack.com or Narativ.Substack.com - and wherever you listen to pods.
Don’t forget to share this post before your neighbor blames inflation on wind turbines again.
Let’s make ignorance expensive.
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Written by the FiveStack team. Screamed into a void by Dean Blundell. Facts dug up by Zev Shalev. Produced by people who can spell “tariff.”
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