Trump’s Papal Dreams: Can a Rapist with 34 Felonies Lead the Catholic Church?
From election interference to tax fraud to rape, let's examine Trump's desire to become the next Holy See.
Yesterday, in a scrum outside the White House, Donald J. Trump dropped a bombshell that left reporters and onlookers in stitches: “I think I’d make a great Pope. We’ve had fascist Pope’s before and the words “rape” and “Vatican” are familiar to around 9 billion people so WTF. Let’s go down the “Pope Donald” dream Rabbit hole.
Pope Donald has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?” While the idea of Trump trading the Oval Office for the Vatican might seem like the setup for a late-night comedy sketch, let’s indulge in the fantasy for a moment. Could the man with the golden hair and the art of the deal really see himself as the next leader of the Catholic Church? And more importantly, what would that look like given his well-documented legal/rapey/felonious record, Becoming Pope Trump might be an uphill battle.
The Papal Pitch: A Bold New Career Move?
Trump’s off-the-cuff remark about becoming Pope is the kind of headline-grabbing moment we’ve come to expect.
Of course, the papacy isn’t exactly a job you can apply for (he wouldn’t know that), and the qualifications are a tad more stringent than those for running a country—or a casino. Popes are typically known for their moral authority, humility, and dedication to serving others. Trump, on the other hand, has a record that might raise a few eyebrows in Vatican City, as outlined in "The Complete Legal & Ethical Record of Donald J. Trump" by Ventzi Nelson, published on February 3, 2025. Let’s take a closer look at how his history compares to the playbook for papal job qualifications. For fun.
Confession is Key: Trump’s Creative Approach to Absolution
One of the cornerstones of Catholicism is the sacrament of confession, where believers admit their sins and seek forgiveness. Trump, however, has his own unique take on confession—especially when it comes to his legal woes. In May 2024, he was convicted on 34 felony counts for falsifying business records to conceal hush money payments to Stormy Daniels. In Trump’s world, these payments weren’t sins to be confessed; they were just “good business.”
Imagine Pope Donald in the confessional booth, advising a penitent: “Look, sometimes you gotta pay to keep things quiet. It’s not a sin—it’s a strategy. Now, say three Hail Marys and maybe throw in a nondisclosure agreement for good measure.”
Celibacy Vows: A Flexible Interpretation
Popes are expected to uphold strict vows of celibacy, but Trump’s history (26 credible sexual assault allegations and one adjudcated rapist decision) might require a bit of… reinterpretation. His record includes numerous sexual misconduct allegations, from Jessica Leeds’ claim of groping on an airplane in the 1980s to Jill Harth’s rape allegations in the 1990s. Then there’s E. Jean Carroll, who won a $5 million settlement in 2023 and an $83.3 million defamation settlement in 2024, plus the infamous 2005 Access Hollywood tape where Trump bragged about his exploits.
In a papal context, Trump might argue that these incidents were just “locker room talk” or “misunderstood acts of charity.” After all, who needs celibacy when you’ve got “alternative facts”?
Infallibility: A Divine Right to Be Right
One of the Pope’s most famous attributes is papal infallibility, the idea that he is divinely guided and incapable of error in matters of faith. Trump has long believed in his own infallibility—just ask him. His efforts to overturn the 2020 election are well-documented, including pressuring Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger on January 2, 2021, to “find” votes and urging Vice President Pence on January 6, 2021, to reject the Electoral College certification.
If Trump were Pope, infallibility wouldn’t just be a doctrine—it’d be a daily press release. “I won that election by a landslide,” he might declare from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica. “And if you don’t believe me, you’re excommunicated!”
But Trump might need a nap first.
Tithing and Taxes: A Holy Loophole
Popes are stewards of the Church’s finances, but Trump’s approach to money might raise a few red flags. His record lists financial crimes and tax fraud, like overstating property values to secure loans (e.g., inflating a $19 million property to $50 million) and undervaluing them to reduce taxes (e.g., claiming a $36.2 million property was worth $18.9 million in 2004).
In Trump’s Vatican, tithing could become a creative endeavor. “Why give 10% when you can give 2% and call it 20%? It’s all about the art of the deal, folks. And remember, the collection plate is tax-deductible!”
Holy Ventures Gone Awry: A Lesson in Divine Intervention
Trump’s business history is a rollercoaster of bankruptcies and collapses, including the Trump Taj Mahal in 1991, Trump Plaza in 1992, and Trump Entertainment Resorts in 2004 and 2009. Add to that failed ventures like Trump Vodka (2006), Trump Mortgage (2006), and Trump Shuttle (1989).
If he were Pope, these flops might be spun as divine tests of faith. “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” Pope Donald might say. “Sometimes He bankrupts your casino to teach you humility. Other times, He lets your vodka brand flop to remind you that man cannot live on spirits alone.”
Martyrdom in the Modern Age: Impeachment as a Badge of Honor
Trump’s two impeachments—on December 18, 2019, for abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, and on January 13, 2021, for incitement of insurrection—make him the only U.S. president impeached twice. In papal terms, this could be rebranded as modern-day martyrdom.
“Being impeached twice just means I’m twice as blessed,” he might proclaim. “They persecuted me, they prosecuted me, but like any good saint, I rose again—stronger, better, and with a lot more followers on Truth Social.”
The Ultimate Rebranding Opportunity
At the end of the day, Trump’s papal aspirations might just be the ultimate rebranding opportunity. After a lifetime of legal battles, ethical controversies, and political drama, what better way to cap it all off than by donning the papal tiara? It’s the kind of plot twist that even Hollywood couldn’t dream up.
But let’s be real: while the idea of Pope Donald is a hilarious thought experiment, it’s about as likely as Trump Tower becoming the new Vatican. His record—spanning criminal convictions, sexual misconduct allegations, election interference, financial misdeeds, business failures, and historic impeachments speak for themselves. Trump’s legacy is one of controversy, not canonization. Still, in a world where anything seems possible, who’s to say what the future holds? Maybe one day, we’ll see him in Rome, waving to the crowds in St. Peter’s Square, declaring, “I’m gonna make the Catholic Church great again!”
Until then, we’ll just have to settle for the laughs.
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Let's see:
1. I once saw an alternative history novel where Adolf Hitler becomes Pope after conquering Europe. I don't remember the details. Or the title.
2. I once saw a paperback novel in a bookstore showing a bearded American man at three ages. In the first artwork, he was in WW2 olive drab and helmet. In the second, he was wearing judicial robes. The third, papal robes. the book blurb told us he was "War Hero...Chief Justice...Pope." However, he hid a romantic secret that could bring down his papacy. I shook my head, and let the book and the matter go.
3. Tom Lehrer provided us with a brilliant song to make the Catholic Church more "commercial," called "The Vatican Rag," which went as follows:
Another big news story of the year concerned the ecumenical council in Rome, known as Vatican II. Among the things they did, in an attempt to make the church more... commercial, was to introduce the vernacular into portions of the Mass to replace Latin, and to widen somewhat the range of music permissible in the liturgy. But I feel that if they really want to sell the product in this secular age, what they ought to do is to redo some of the liturgical music in popular song forms. I have a modest example here; it's called The Vatican Rag!
First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Do whatever steps you want if
You have cleared them with the Pontiff.
Everybody say his own
Kyrie eleison,
Doin' the Vatican Rag.
Get in line in that processional,
Step into that small confessional.
There the guy who's got religion'll
Tell you if your sin's original.
If it is, try playin' it safer,
Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!
So get down upon your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Make a cross on your abdomen,
When in Rome do like a Roman;
Ave Maria,
Gee, it's good to see ya.
Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an'
Doin' the Vatican Rag!
Just to clarify - he's got 34 felony _convictions_.